Why not BOTH at the same time, Mr. Vidal?

The Jobcentre is advertising an unusual position - the ’semi-nude’ host of a pornographic TV channel.

Jobless Sophie Randall-Price, 25, said: “I couldn’t believe it when I saw this. I’m willing to work hard, but I’m not willing to whip my top off and talk dirty to a bunch of weirdos in the middle of the night on national TV.”

Aww, come on Sophie. This job sounds great. Perhaps you should loosen up a bit? Or lighten up? Or…GET YOUR TITS OUT. No? Yeah, no one probably wants to see your tits anyway. Bitch.

Perhaps Soph’ needs to just get fucked in her pony hole?
Isn’t that the case though? Soph’ could use some serious kink therapy.
Well fortunately we’re HERE for you.
Some people need to go to great lengths. We understand. Like this lady.
A woman was reportedly caught after breaking into a jail to have sex with her husband.
She knew what she wanted. She took ‘action.’ Or got some action. Or you know, fucked her husband…

Kent Police said a woman was arrested on suspicion of criminal trespass and later released with no further action.

Now THAT's "Close-Circuit."

Well of she’s not getting any further action (from him). Do you think she only got caught on the way out because the guards were watching on the security cam? In the war against sexual oppression, I think we have a Medal of Freedom winner!

The Discovery Channel Has Nothing On Me

Well, consider this video:

I hear a rumbling! Wiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii!!!!

So, obviously there is something to all the counseling advice about taking an interest in your partner’s interests. The next time one of my girlfriends tells me her man is “obsessed with Guitar Hero” I won’t be able to keep a straight face.

Still maybe you should just put your gaming console next to his?

This is what we invented electricity for.

At the bottom, you’ll notice six individual channels with their own adjustment knobs. This means that you could hook up more than one electrode item to your body and give different areas, different sensations. For example, you can assemble together a set that involves cockrings, tens pads, a butt plug and a urethral sound.

Oh my! Still it does lack the human touch. But you know what they say? The solution is at hand.

Operators are standing by, ready to call you.

Also -get a wireless headset. Hands Free Operation is all the rage.

So this isn’t available yet, but this is HILARIOUS - do you want to be boned by a vampire?  Has Twilight (re: rule 34*) or True Blood got you SO hot that you need vampire dick? Well look no further than “The VAMP” - a dildo that you can warm up or stick in the freezer (for that extra “cold blooded” vampire feeling) before you shove it in your snatch. Or, for the bi curious guy, up your asshole.

And yes, it DOES sparkle. See the video below for an example of HOW it sparkles in the sun, just like the vampires from Twilight do!!!

*Rule 34: If it exists, there’s a porn of it.

You know, it is the 21st century, PEOPLE.

While I can certainly appreciate the resourcefulness of girl/boy on vegetable action- apply some technology folks.

Sara’s Hard On the Cukes (video)

Touching!

Slicing One for the Parents (video)

And who puts it back in the fridge?

But you know sometimes your solution is in your own hands. Or IS your own hands, guys. Because some hi-tech gadgets are more hype than help.

WATER PROOF TURBO STROKER

Waterproof, fully automated, one hand activation turbo stroker with 3 speeds of incredible vibrating and stroking action. Easy to disassemble and clean. Silicone donut and noduled sleeve. EZ push button action with LED lights. Requires 4 AA batteries…

Apparently that is more marketing than anything…
Bloggers have reviewed this pocket pussy and proclaim it a “wimp.” (Note: All wimps might be pussies but not all pussies are wimps.)
In any event grab your best gadget or yourself and give me a call. I feel certain we can work it out with one of my time honored solutions

Srsly, call me.

Well I don’t know. I have had a run in or two with some pretty pushy guys who wanted me to just show them my feet ‘real quick’ or glared over my shoulder as I slipped on shoes at the store. I’ll be the first to admit that I like having my feet worshiped but it is just one of those things that has to be invited, when I’m trying on shoes I’m probably don’t want a random man trying to touch my feet. I’m at the store, in full shopping mode. And the thing about these men is that they can’t help themselves, they convince themselves that there is no crime in just touching a foot in public. I guess the jury is still out on whether or not it is a crime. Check this guy out for example:

Foot Fetish suspect: Its all just a misunderstanding

Apparently this guy’s shtick was that he would walk around the foot wear section of his local Target store and solicite women to try on shoes. He took it a little to far when he kissed one ladies leg. Of course he said it was actually just sweat on the top of his head when he accidentally brushed against her leg. As he put it: “As I was helping her put on the shoe, her knee, above the knee, rubbed against my head, which it was a really hot day that day and there was a little sweat on there, and she became a little bit startled.” Personally I don’t think I could mistake the feel of a kiss and the top of a person’s sweaty head. I don’t think I would let some guy in Target kiss me or brush his head against me. There is a time and a place dude.

He goes on to say that he really doesn’t think it is a crime to just ask women to try on shoes since they can always so no. Even though I have a feeling he was pretty persistent about it. “I don’t think that’s wrong,” he said.  “I don’t think I was doing anything wrong. If it is wrong, I’d like to know because I was never really warned that I was doing anything wrong.” I don’t see why he wouldn’t get a job in a women’s shoe store instead of hanging around Target where you don’t get helped with purchasing shoes. He probably has gotten fired from many a shoe store come to think of it.

Maybe some of you kinky guys out there get off on touching women’s feet in public, well there is no need to get arrested for it. Just give me a call and we can roleplay your exhibitionist foot fondling fantasy.

Ahoy Maties! Grab Your Main Mast!

All-porpoise unguents and lubricants only really come into their own for deep-sea or ocean-going perversions, where for those particularly taken by the erotic possibilities found in bondage, an octopus or squid can be highly recommended. However, bondage experiments utilising jellyfish are not recommended, even for those experienced in deep-sea perversions.

As for those of you who prefer their perversions to be somewhat shallower, then – obviously – a snorkel and flippers would be advisable, as well as taking suitable precautions against crabs.

There are several on-board deep-sea perversions, many of them peculiar to the sailing fraternity, and a few more to peculiar sailors. Sailors are regarded as a breed apart, so one should always exercise due diligence if one offers you a chance to visit his scuppers, or offers to demonstrate his yardarm.

As for ‘all hands on deck’, this really comes into its own if there is sufficient rope to not only secure Dec himself, but enough to tie up Ant as well. This of course means making sure there are enough lead weights for the pair of them and a plank strong enough for them to walk on as well as a sufficient depth of water to make the whole exercise worthwhile.

However, once such nuisances are out of the way, there will be plenty of time for the ladies present to have a quick rummage through the sailor’s rigging and to hoist his spinnaker to a mutually satisfying degree, whilst – of course - making full use of the sextant.

Then when all the ladies on the voyage have decided they have had their fill of seamen it will be time to set course for home, where – if the ladies are recovered by then - they can direct the seamen into their harbour for one final time, before disembarking, leaving the sailors to replenish themselves at the seamen’s rest.

Visit Brooke to get Your DECK Swabbed!

This, is freaking hilarious.  Obviously it’s NSFW, but you are already at a NSFW site so no hiding it behind a “more” cut!!  The world’s ugliest male speedo!

Found this over at Jezebel, originally from Village Voice.

Well, if anywhere was the best place to post this most amazing “fail” from FailBlog.

Oh good, I was worried that this might be lost in the size, but click on it to see the bigger version.  I can’t help but wonder if this woman is very exhibitionist and likes to show off, or if she honestly didn’t think the car with the tall antanae and the tiny cameras was NOT going to take a picture of her?  Or, why (for good or for bad) is there not someone who goes through the shots before they go up?

(For those who cannot tell what this picture is, well… Guess what that long flesh colored one in the middle is.)

Did anyone get a look at the news today?  Apparently SOMEONE out there thought it would be a GREAT idea to open a sex based theme park -and there is not just one but now TWO!  This is probably one of the most weirdest (and awkward) things this phone sex operator has EVER heard of.  - Uhh let me retract that comment and say, heard of occurring umm for the “general public”.  (did that make sense?)  HA!

So, China is getting ready to open a SEX based theme park, complete with genitalia sculptures, the history of sex.. and so forth.  According to USA Today ( I know a great source of news) “..the giant revolving model of a woman’s legs and lower torso, outfitted in a red thong, is raising eyebrows”.   I bet that’s not the ONLY thing that is being raised.  *wink*

They say the purpose is to raise awareness of sexuality and improve sex education.  So does this going to replace the 3rd grade field trip to the the local ice cream shop?  I can see it now -  ”Chang! Stop touching the giant vagina, who knows how many people have put their dirty hands on it!”  My prediction is that once this park officially opens, that many young boys will start having wet dreams!  And young girls will have terrifying nightmares about being attacked by 20 foot penis!

Speaking of weird fantasies, this will be a shrinking guys dream come true!  Now everyone can feel 1 inch tall!!

If you want to check it out for yourself USA TODAY